The Ludmila Confessions

Aboard the ship,Farewell to Hawaii. In the background one of the best photographs in Hollywood “Martin”

As I am writing this story of my life, I have had to come face to face with myself. Of course, it is fifty years and a lifetime later. Half a century to become who I finally was meant to be! How sad, you might say, but I know it is not said or too late for me! I only started living seven years ago, when Phil and some other friends convinced me to just sit down and write my story. I had so many excuses! I am not a writer…. I was never educated.. My spelling is not good. But in the end, my survival instinct took over, and God commanded me to just SIT DOWN AND DO IT. I had many thoughts, some uncomfortable. My unquenchable desire to be loved… I have come to see it was really a purely selfish love, which came with two more painful realizations: that was really a fear of not being loved, which was resulting from my weakness of faith! What seemed like promiscuity to others, to me was as natural as breathing the air around me. To make love to 1, 2 or 3 different men– not at the same time of course, but in the same period of life, with all those different men were having the expectations of me two really be love by me, most of them not aware of my goings. Mine was a selfish love that would not share a man with any other woman, no! That was intolerable and unspeakable. But in my mad mind, I wanted everything for myself, and thought nothing of my own infidelity.

My work with Nina Blanchard, next, took me to Hawaii, and of course poor Richard was there at the docks in San Francisco to say goodbye, terrified that he was losing me. I was obviously way past the teaching of Professor Higgins school, but then hadn’t he always said he was too old for me, that I should find a good husband while I was young? He reminded me that Eliza Doolittle did not actually marry the good professor in the play.

Even in Hawaii, film stars were all around us, sometimes shooting along with me for magazine covers and newspaper ads. It was a glorious week that went by incredibly fast; we would work all day and party all night. Finally it was time to go back on the ship, and of course you also would celebrate your departure from Hawaii– what a party! They put leis around our necks, and told us that if you threw them overboard when the ship start moving , they would tell our fortune; if your lei floated back toward the island, or toward the ship you would be back to Hawaii, but if it floated away.. you don’t come back….. Either way, the occasion was good enough to fill our champagne glasses and celebrate some more! I did not need any special occasion to drink, every occasion was good enough to celebrate, usually by drinking a lot.

That last night, the captain and first mate gave a formal dinner, which naturally meant more drinking, dancing and celebrating. The second on command was single and tall and very good looking the Captain was older married and not good looking, so when the second in command invited me to dance I was very flattered because he was supposed to dance only with the old lonesome lady’s, who had no partners I had partners the photographers for the magazine we were working for.. Later that night found me with the handsome second in command up on the deck, kissing and dancing under the stars, then drinking more champagne and going to his cabin–where we became lovers instantly and later very good friends..

Of course it was all over by the time we reached San Francisco, where Richard’s control took over, again like witchcraft (a Spingaly). We went to the “No name Bar” is Sausalito, while he was talking, I remember the pain that he has inflicted on me, I was not yet realizing all the consequences of the drugs, alcohol, abortions, two the full extent, not yet, I was still was living the moment, and not mature etol, and after few drinks again the promises and love for ever came from him repeatedly, my hope went up again now he is divorce starting a business on S.F. Maybe this time, was for real! (Maybe he sensed that things were going out of his control,) So that why the knew promises and to take care of me, which he never did.

He drove me back to Los Angeles, then he took me out shopping for groceries for the apartment, a shopping cart full of all kinds of food, he must seen our fridge. Not very full, How nice of him, my family thought, but then as always he was gone again. And I wanted to survive and smile and be happy.

Back to work in LA, I decided I had to have a car. It barely mattered that I didn’t know how to drive, and had no driver’s license! I just headed to a dealership on Wilshire Boulevard, where they showed me Renault a small two seater, It was tiny, but the price was right. Of course I bought it because it was French… how chic!