The Ludmila Confessions

We walked hand in hand, we talked, and we heard some far away music very Mexican and Romantic. Of all the composers of course one I knew one very well- Agustin Lara! They were  playing “ Mujer Mujer Divina”  that he composed for all of the women he loved. But at that time Maria Felix was his great love, as I once was and like every women  he ever loved.

In Puerto Vallarta Ludmila after swimming…..

Then he got a bottle of good wine and we drank it sitting in the sand and watching the sunset. We did not speak much as we walked  to my hotel  and said good night in front of my hotel room door, with the most innocent but passionate kiss I ever had. I went straight to the table where a bottle of Scotch was sitting, and I poured myself a stiff drink or two, and then went to bed .

Next morning when I walked in our bathroom there on the floor were many papers and restaurant napkins folded. I sat on the john and started reading them  , with my heart throbbing and goose pimples all over my skin. this starts the process of being in love, how did they get here? I looked up behind me the wall up ahead and saw a little window  that was very high up, facing  the corridor and the interior of our bathroom, so, at read  that  he had  to see me again and again   please …

Ludmila coing to the river area whit local woman..

My friend was still in bad and very uncomfortable so I went downstairs to the desk  to ask for a massage or acupuncture or doctor. And there in the lobby he was sitting riding some magazine!  We said hello and I invited him to the fish dinner that evening; we already invited a full table but I asked the chef to make one more space.  The was still there ( I had a terrible night because of the pain of the poor John his back was killing him and had to wait until now to get someone to ask for a Dr. , this is Sunday not one works not even the emergency rooms they are open but there is no Doctors their,  I went upstairs saying too Tad Gail that I was too talk to him now see him later,  tonight, can’t talk now,  I must help my friend and business associate, he is not very well.  He stared in my eyes holding my hand and said, “I will be there– may be will talk  after dinner?”

Modeling for a cover of a magazine

Today I know very well that I always needed to be in love, always, and especially when pain, distress or any crisis comes along that I cannot cope with.  So  when I am  feeling that indescribable thing called love?  Anyone who was willing to give me attention and show of concern or care, I converted it in a love.  Today I begin now to understand that which at that time I was blind to Alcohol un auer that  was  an serious alcoholism on full bloom, , you will say, drugs you will say!,  I think I agree now that it was the pain in my subconscious, from my childhood and youth.  By drinking using  which appeared being love? I found the only emotion to cover pain was love or did I really ever love anyone?