The Ludmila Confessions

We walked hand in hand, we talked, and we heard some far away music, very Mexican and romantic. Of all the composers of course it was one I knew very well– Agustin Lara! They were  playing “Mujer Mujer Divina” that he composed for all of the women he loved. But at that time Maria Felix was his great love, as I once was like every women he ever loved.

In Puerto Vallarta Ludmila after swimming

Then he got a bottle of good wine and we drank it sitting in the sand and watching the sunset. We did not speak much as we walked to my hotel and we said goodnight in front of my hotel room door, with the most innocent but passionate kiss I ever had. I went straight to the table where a bottle of Scotch was sitting, and I poured myself a stiff drink or two, and then went to bed.

The next morning when I walked in our bathroom, there on the floor were many papers and restaurant napkins folded. I sat on the john and started reading them, with my heart throbbing and goose pimples all over my skin. This is the starting process of being in love, how did they get here? I looked up behind me, at the wall up ahead, and saw a little window that was very high up, facing the corridor and the interior of our bathroom. It read that he had to see me again, please!

Ludmila at to the river area with local women

My friend was still in bad and very uncomfortable shape, so I went downstairs to the desk to ask for a massage, acupuncturist, or doctor. And there in the lobby he was sitting writing some magazine! We said hello and I invited him to the fish dinner that evening; we already invited a full table but I asked the chef to make one more space. I had a terrible night because of the pain of poor John, whose back was killing him and had to wait until later to get someone to ask for a doctor. It was a Sunday so not many people worked, not even in the emergency rooms, where they were open but there was no doctors available. I went upstairs after saying to Tad Gail that I was to talk to him and see him later that night, “can’t talk now, I must help my friend and business associate, he is not very well.” He stared in my eyes holding my hand and said, “I will be there– maybe we will talk after dinner?”

Modeling for a cover of a magazine

Today I know very well that I always needed to be in love, always, and especially when pain, distress or any crisis comes along that I cannot cope with. So when I am feeling that indescribable thing called love, anyone who was willing to give me attention and show of concern or care, I converted it into a love. Today I begin now to understand that, which at that time I was blind to due to alcohol. Under all that was a serious alcoholism in full bloom, you will say, and drugs! I think I agree now that it was the pain in my subconscious, from my childhood and youth that I masked by drinking, and using what appeared to be love. I found the only emotion to cover pain was love, or did I really ever love anyone?