The Ludmila Confessions

Sometimes I had time to sit in the hammock on the  balcony, contemplating the beautiful view of Maracaibo, looking far way and thinking: what have I done so far in my life? Yes, many fun things: whisky, cocaine, orgies, romances and same serious work as a model traveling everywhere, but as an actress I did not have what it takes. I was a very good model. I did well and even taught younger models at several modeling schools, one of them Jocelyn Ryan. But partying was always my first choice. I was selfish, vain, arrogant. I was very elegant, young and with an interesting beauty, even though I did not think so. Every man and woman said so, and I was still living in my fantasies, high on that swing, higher and higher I went but no higher in my career or the stardom I had dreamed about long ago!  I had fun, that was all: me me me, parties and more parties!

Even after my three abortions with William, I did not know what sins I was committing. I realize today that not only was I a sinner but a criminal also. The worst part is that I would regret this later, even for the rest of my life and miss the children I might have had. But back then I only wanted to do as I pleased.As the saying goes in Russian, “Every pig  has his day.”  Well, soon enough my day of reckoning arrived, but in the meantime I was  drinking, partying promiscuously in total  libertinage, although I could not hide my pain from myself, or take it away or make it disappear. God, what have I done with my life?

The White Storm

So the time came that I really wanted to have children. When I was in jail I had a chance to meet a very good specialist in fertility, so I consulted him, told him I am trying to get pregnant to no avail. I want children to love and take care of and protect. I tried with Jack and then Jose and now with Tad, but nada nada….So taking advantage of the jail I consulted this famous doctor, I went through all kinds of exams and tests,  they put a microscope inside of me with a long tube with a camera at the end. They inserted it in my uterus and made other tests, very unpleasant and painful too! As a rule they did not gave prisoners anesthetic or pain killers, so cruel!  But I had to see why I was not getting pregnant; eventually this  specialist in Maracaibo came to the conclusion that my tubes were closed, calcified, obstructed by a growth in them as a result of bad abortions. The sperm could not  pass inside, and that meant that I would never have children, never would I hear  the word “mama”  At home I still had the magazines and books I bought when I first learned I was pregnant. I remember I was so happy about it! How did William ever persuade me to do this horrible thing? All the cocaine and alcohol I guess! I was so happy reading about my pregnancy,  preparing, until my beloved convinced me to wait until Patrick was born, jajaja!

This advertising was even in Maracaibo, on a billboards in the streets

As it is my life today : I think that is O.K..not to have children because I was not capable at 16 and half to raise any children properly with no education or career and money or husband to help me!  I was just a lost soul, as fragile as the wind going in all directions at once.

Still today, once in awhile I get very sad and tears roll down my cheeks, thinking what would they look like and how would they be?, then I say the prayer, God gave me the serenity to accept the things…”. in that time I did not know any better prayer except the Our Father.”

The life in Maracaibo was uninteresting to me, I just wanted out. So off I went to the airport and after updating my ticket with no problem I got on the plane to Maiquetia, the Caracas airport. My cat was in my bag quietly sleeping and the flight was no longer than it took me too have a couple of martinis with Beefeaters. That gin in of course, one of William’s  exclusive concessions for his liquor business. I was still thinking about William, so how sick was I? What power that man had over my life! Even now if he whistled, I would  run to him.During that flight I remembered a story when he flying to Maracaibo, the plane was hijacked and ransom was paid!  It was all over the news papers.  

Dye my hair black so I woud blend whit the local woman

Landing in few minutes,: there was the  coast of the Caribbean, we are landing in Maiquetia!