The Ludmila Confessions

And so I went out more, to discos, to gay bars and to private parties, and cocaine became more and more abundant at  every party. It became a must for me, of course with that goes more drinking (no water please)  and more alcohol for those that know or don’t know, when you use cocaine you can drink and drink and not get drunk . But I also started doing favors to my friends,  providing them cocaine for special occasions.

Hollywood during an interview smoking a pipe for real

Start doing favors too men friend and woman too provide for special occasions cocaine…

I knew where to get the cocaine , so some time buy it for them, which by the way became a  disaster, because I did not known when they cheat me?, or  the weight, the quality, the price, etc. and I get in trouble with friend’s, but in my sgrow up mine, I did not do nothing wrong,  everyone was getting pist at me and I did not see  why??? .

Lies became a way of life and to the point  That even when they were  not necessary  to lie,  I would still lie, for  any small petty  thing with no importance, got to the point that on parties I would steal the cocaine  by taking so much more than was necessary and then look for more and  look for where  their would be more jiden in the house

By now I was getting broke and did show it, less to my dear  mother, and she was wondering  what was going  with me? wy am I selling all this thinks, of course she never questions me any more because it seems like I had I good reason to do what I was doing, she just love me that’s all.

I start selling all my fantastic worderope from all those big designer I worked for (which I would love too have now) and very expensive books coleccion sense Venezuela that I log with mi wherever I went to live, the once adguard in New York a hull collection of the books of  Winston Churchill he  wrote,  when I went to New York for  modeling job..

May  job took me to a lot  different places.

I knew where to get the coke, so sometimes I would buy it for them, which by the way became a  disaster, because I did noknow when they would cheat me? or the weight, the quality, the price, and so on,  so I would get in trouble with friends. But in my screwed-up mind, I did do nothing wrong,  everyone was getting pissed at me and I did not see why!  Lies became a way of life to the point that even when it was not  necessary  to lie,  I would still lie, for  any small petty  thing with no importance. It got to the point that at parties I would steal the cocaine by taking so much more than was necessary, and then look for more and  look for where  their would be more jiden in the house

By now I was going broke and I did show it, at least to my dear  mother; she was wondering  what was going  on with me? Why am I selling all this things, of course she never questioned me any more, because it seemed like I had I good reason to do what I was doing– she just loved me that’s all.

I start selling all my fantastic wardrobe from all those big designers I worked for (which I would love too have now) and very expensive books, the collection that I lugged with me wherever I went to live– a wholel collection of the books of  Winston Churchill,  when I went to New York for  modeling job..

But  my living  became a big black hole of sadness, remembering my husband Jack crying for Jose, and regretting not having those children of Walter– by now he had children and grandchildren and a second wife– but this was my life now, alone. This life of course did not make me very happy, but I still had a beautiful little house and some friends left. Of course it got to the point where friends began to be fewer and fewer, so I  just took them out  of my directory book (before they did hahaha!) But who did I fool?

I don’t remember a whole lot of that time.  I did not want to do any more modeling, and did not do a good job in interviews or auditions for acting. I lost a big role because of my abusive drinking and drugging. I was not remembering the lines in a theatre play, where I went to learn to act.  Mr. Jeff Corey,  what a great actor, was my teacher and coach, but I just gave up and dedicated myself to drink,   parties and cocaine, and  more garage sales to get more money.I felt like I wanted to hide from other people, so consequently I did not want to be on the stage in a play, so that people would not see my real self.

Thank God the  house was almost fully paid off!

I was not working and doing lots of drinking and I had a houseboy to  pay, but somehow I managed. Except that finally I didn’t even have Fernando anymore–now my faithful servant disappeared forever!  Not before calling me at 3 am, saying, “Señora me agarro la migra, pero regreso pronto, (Señora the immigration pinched me),  don’t worry I  will be back in couple of days a week max!”

He never did come back  This boy came as a wetback, only 13 years old,  to California . It was not the first time he had been caught, now he was 19, so it was all “pan comido” as he would  say. (bread eaten)

I will  never  forget one special evening I invited my sister to go with me to Daud Aline’s Villa for a special party, it was Shabbat dinner with Baba and David his brother and the older brother and the rest of the family and he had a special guest from Baghdad of the royal family visiting him, of course there were belly dancers and arabic music, a very special three way party, and everyone was maintaining their own space and party, it was just weird; the other exotic/erotic party started a little later, with a porno movie running in the other side of the house. So this orgy went on, whoever  wanted to participate in it discreetly did know where and what room to go to; there were artists, movie stars , executives, producers and royalty, all kind of people and ages. I kept avoiding this one Arab Prince related to Daud, but he kept following me everywhere I went, and of course my sister left indignant at my behavior- it made her angry that I did not want anything to do with this Prince! She kept saying “You are crazy Luda !” ( she and mama called me that, when they were really angry with me).

The  highest and hottest people in Hollywood you could think of were all there. The mansion was on  a hill near Sunset Strip with the view of the most interesting part of the old Hollywood . Daud was Muslim so the  big dinner with Baba was a family celebration,a religious day and week end party together.

My bodyguard Fernando, my faithful servant, was supposed to not let me drink too much, but he  could not find me,  poor baby,  except when I wanted him to see me! I told him to follow me everywhere I went , but whenever he did he would say “no más señora” and take my glass! Then I would disappear and find another place to fill it up again in a another cup. As I remember this Prince now, he was not bad looking and very rich  , but I was on another planet with my own “prince”: the booze and drugs, drinking and being a fool– just crazy!

Halloween party in our big home in Northridge Jack and me