Archive for the ‘Alcoholism’ Category

The  big door opened and I move my head slowly in; then my body followed, half with  fear and half curiosity and with a  weird air of hope. “Pase, pase, Señora,” a voice came out from this  large mahogany desk  behind which a gentleman stood up, stretching his hand to me, “Welcome… please sit down.” This  nice old colonial-style room with expensive-looking antique furniture; the room had a high ceiling,   and this short good looking older men was directing all has attention to  me. He seemed to be saying to himself, “What am I going to do with this young Lady?” Curiosity seized my soul, so firmly and quickly I went up to this man and shook his outstretched hand, saying, “Como esta Ud. Senor?” (in Spanish of course). In so many words he made me welcome, after this initial formality that I knew so well. I asked, ” Where am I? and how long will I be here? ”  “Oh, that depends on your Lawyer,” he assured me. (I did not know I had one! I never met him,  but I did not want to question my situation and was satisfied with being here and not their in that “pocilga”).  Leaving his office, he said, “Just sit on the bench back there. If any news comes, my secretary Senorita Pepita will let you know…” I could only say “Gracias Senor Rodriguez”

At home writing my life, it seems like a movie

At home writing my life, it seems like a movie

No one stopped me from walking around, looking and inspecting this cazona. I was kind of free, and it felt great,  walking around looking hoping to get same rum or aguardiente, anything to calm the insanity going on in my head. I found the  location of the  kitchen, or what  suppose to be a sort of kitchen? I kept walking on to  this big  room like a storeroom, a gigantic space piled high with boxes of what  looked like powder milked and more boxes and people behind the counter going through papers. The secretary of senor Rodriguez was  giving instructions  which I did not understand clearly , and towards the front of the room toward the street was a long counter separating the room in half. A long counter so that the people  entering  from the street couldn’t reach the boxes  on  the other side. Then I went walking toward what looked like the patio I had seen when I walked in. But now I could see clearly there were many men in there:  Why?  I thought I understood why they were there,? but I don’t know why I was here at all ???.

So I went back to my bench and soon it was closing time. Everybody was going home but  a couple more policemen arrived, maybe 4 or 5; one or two of them went to the patio where the men prisoners  were, and one went to the front doors looking and closing them better. Two of them sat by a table not far from my bench. I wanted to sleep, so after yawning and  saying goodnight, I said to them “I wish I could have a drink of something strong? my nerves are going to explode!”,  Pedro said, “We’ll see,” so I just had a glass of water.

Me now, Painting writing living to which I am getting costume to it

Me now, Painting writing living to which I am getting costume to it

I was still shaking a little, because there weren’t  any women there that I could see, except the old lady  in the corner at La bodega de la esquina.  The front door was half open with the policia talking to the one standing  in the street. I finally closed my eyes and in no time I felt someone standing in front of me , I opened my eyes in fear and there was Pepe with that crocodile smile, picara, passing into my hands a flask of rum and a package of cigarettes, I asked, ” Cuanto le debo?” but he replied , nada (nothing);,

God bless this guy, I’ll never forget him.

I drank up all that little bottle of rum and lay down again on the bench in a fetal position, with whatever I had as a pillow and went to sleep feeling okay: God had not forgotten about me.

Snoring in a sound sleep,  I was brutally awakened by the screaming siren of a police car, and through the  big central door came a few more drunk men covered in bruises.  My God,  they must have been beaten by the policemen! I did not move, I just lay there watching them all go straight into that patio where all those other men were…

Let’s get back to that dream whatever it was! Anything would be better than this..

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A few minutes down the little trail, there was no one around us, but their was this big tree for a tropical jungle that is, down on the ground, so I said “Let’s have a drink”  “From where?,” said Tad, “there’s nothing here not tiendas.”  Will I said it happened that I have a bottle of rum and some cookies. So we sat on a limb of of this dead tree near the entrance of a small river, where there were many places for little boats to get in and unload their merchandise. We were too tired and hungry to be concerned about anything but getting to Medellin for a hotel, rest and relaxation, after all this ordeal.

The sun was up  and getting warmer, the tropical  humidity will be very high on this shores now .

But we  still had to walk and walk looking at this unknown land, when  finally  we saw a real road! Heyy look it this, we are getting  close!  Then we walk too what now became a highway with cars going  and coming, so we hitched a ride too Medellin. What a beautiful city!  We went to the first hotel that seemed okay, even if it was not any class, and we took a room; at this point  we did not care .

After sleeping and resting for a few hours and getting ready to see the city and exchange some money, Tad asked me, where first? I said the Bank I think, so we went to the Bank to change money.

There was music everywhere playing in the early  afternoon, with people dancing on the streets, and it seemed that happiness prevail everywhere.

Which bank I don’t remember, but the exchange rate was not so good as we expected. So we went outside to see if any of the guys by by the door,  who were approaching the people that enters the Bank, to see if maybe they  would have a  better  exchange,  and they did.we proset to exchange the dollars Tad head too change .

Border Colombia and Venezuela waiting for Help S.O.S. .from

Border Colombia and Venezuela waiting for Help S.O.S. .from

Tad counted the money  that the guy  gave him too caunt the exchange moneys, then I counted the money giving back too Tad he counted it again and then the Columbia gay took the money from Tad and counted it again in front of us,  then gave us the change money back correct , yes correct, and we went satisfied with the exchange of the money, happy,  to the hotel to pay our bill.. .

But when we sat down and counted the money again,  surprise, what? Tad with a loud voice what?….. The whole amount  was half what it was supposed to be! we counted it once, twice, a  third and fourth time. No, no,  no good!,  We have been fucked.

All of this  contributed to my university, now I know people call some fantastic people,  saying that they went to the university of life. Many famous millionaires and other amazing people were educated that way, but I had  the heart of a gentle gazelle, which was soon turning  into  a Cossack Warrior , awakening that nomad in me, including the drinking part..

Well,  we had certainly been taken by these Colombian con- men, for all that money, which did not stop Tad  from taking us out to dance and see a little of the nightlife in Medellin .

Oil in Maracaibo, Venezuela

Oil in Maracaibo, Venezuela

We stayed in Medellin for a couple of days, and on the third day we ventured off to continued our journey to Venezuela then reached the route  to Maracaibo.

We went through an incredibly beautiful jungle, with houses along the route, little huts of vendors of tropical fruit and the smell of  mangos, bananas , ananas or Pineapples like delightful flowers well, it is a flower, like a tomato is a fruit.

We spent another couple of days enjoying the Colombian countryside from Medellin to the border with Venezuela, and from Maracaibo we were to fly to Canaima. Maracaibo is located in the Lago de Maracaibo, Edo. Zulia, Venezuela, which is the largest lake in all of Venezuela and one of largest places for oil extraction. The temperature is over 100 degrees F. every day and only a little cooler at night.

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We sat on  a broken bench with all our belongings, near the boat dock, and watched the sunset; then slowly, hesitatingly, we went over to the boat where the captain’s men were loading refrigerators and boxes and boxes of other things, we waited to the side in the background until they finished loading. Finally, it was getting  dark, and that night there was no moon, so that a smuggler’s perfect night’ so the boat would be very hard to see. There was contraband on board for sure, but  even if they were transporting drugs nobody would be able to see us…

Waking around the Las Palms looking for a owner of a boat  that may takes to the shores of Colombia

Waking around the Las Palms looking for a owner of a boat that may takes to the shores of Colombia

Captain Juan made a sign to us with his big hand – “Come on…” , so we got onto his boat  while the crew  made ready to cast off out, untying  the ropes. We put our belongings in a little corner space and just watch the show.

The sailors were just like Captain Jack Sparrow’s pirate crew; one of them had a scar all over his face, another had one arm,  and they all looked very terrifying. We were as careful as could be not to leave our things out, and even so, we were soon missing some money from Tad’s bag.  But I had nothing of importance, so I was just watching Tads stuff.

We were too excited to go to sleep, so we asked for some sodas and paid for it.  About 4 am we stopped in a shallow of a small river, and the captain, machete in hand, came to us (almost scared us to  death!) and said, now my friends you are to go with him, pointing to this ugly deformed man down there in the water on a small dinghy, loaded with couple of boxes from our boat. “He will take you ashore to the Colombian shore!” So it was gracias  adios! I didn’t know if Tad  knew about this arrangement, couldn’t tell.

When and how some money disappeared from one of his bags remains a  mystery to me because I did not leave his things,  maybe when I went for a minute to the boat galley for some aguardiente or rum when Tad was an sleep?

As we were walking, this women was standing next to this rotten boat whiting for her connection,  maybe her husband whit a contraband merchandise from Panam

As we were walking, this women was standing next to this rotten boat whiting for her connection, maybe her husband whit a contraband merchandise from Panama

Now we step down carefully on this small boat, that I looked and the water was almost  up to the gunnels. I knew enough about boats that this was no good,  plus this was a river of water poisoning snakes and big crocodilos– Our new Captain Raul is telling us with a knife on has sinch and a machete next to him, explaining that was why he was very well armed  meaning  that the has a pistol , slowly I whisper too my partner your know? he can just kill us and we would never be found in these crocodile infested waters.  Lets keep looking at him and be very alert , we had no “Plan  “A”   or”  B” what  to do on that case?

We had no  weapons, not even a decent knife,  I begin to Pray and forget about my bottle of rum that  I got from the cook.  We said nothing, and sat on the end opposite to (our new captain) jajajaj his name he said is  repeatedly  Raul ,  si we said,. I am sure none of this names were real! He held a knife on has cinch and a machete next to him,  we whisper to each other as he started the little motor and we departed from captain Juan with a big smile, which boat seems safer now?,  this one is scarier? what should we do if he attacks us, takes our things and throw our bodies in the water?

Now we were really afraid.  Will, we said to each other, let’s set a little further away, separately from  each other, so we can defend ourselves better,  just in case he  attack us.  “OK?”  I said to Tad.  Yes was the answer, but we also did not want to be apart too far from each other in case the boat sinks.   We were going almost with water to the  gunnels  of this little boat  I started a conversation with captain Raul,  to distract him from looking at our luggage as much as possible and at me, Tad was telling where we from and that I was his aunt, etc, etc. Raul  said  it should soon be getting morning, we said to ourselves we  hope.  Dear God help us.

Tad was asking him how to get to Medellin from where he was going to let us off. Captain Raul said, its too far from the Pacific shores beach , your walk straight, It was still  dark– we still can be killed by him or others that are waiting for him at the shore. At this time  the stars became  fewer  they seemed to have disappeared,  a sign that very soon the sun will soon be coming up,few hrs . ago, it was a full sky of stars, not  that there were more starts, they just that they were  much  brighter,  I must say it was hard not to notice that fantastic sky in the middle of the dark waters and we were navigating in a very dark night, one of the darkest I ever remember seeing.

The. light is coming slowly,  slower than what we wanted!    Tad can you see land? Yes,  we’re on the Pacific side, Colombia here we go! Hush, we are not completely safe yet, a long ways from Medellin remember?  Finally, after a little while we stop, gave a tip to the captain and said our goodbyes and thanks gracias adios. . With the outboard motor the boat couldn’t go any further, so we had to walk in the water to the shore. Captain Raul said adios, again we said  goodbye, after helping us out,  he had a  big  smile  on his face, with all the front tooth broken, was a even scarier face in the morning   letting to let us off,?   Those last dark minutes , we knew  this last minutes  we can still be killed by him or maybe others that area waiting for him  and has cargo at the shore.  At this time  the stars became fewer.  It seems that  they slowly are  disappearing, a sign that very soon the sun will be coming up.  I sad too Tad there were many  more stars the sad they were  breiter earlier in the night,  that is why they were  much  brighter,  I must say, even with  all this fear,  it was not  hard  to notice that fantastic sky in the middle of the  dark night on this river waters when we were navigating  in a very dark night, one of the darkest I ever ben, that I remember saying.

Our  bravery only can be  described as naive, or a case of muchas bolas!

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During the great fish dinner, which was just enough for everybody, and as a matter of fact very well done by the chef of the Hotel, (I don’t remember the name). The food, wine and conversation went on, while Tad  was just staring at me across the table and  couldn’t take his eyes of me. So my partner was not feeling that great, so he pay the bill or sign for it, and retired to the room, not feeling good it all. So,  some of us proceeded to go out and sit by the tables outside, where many a time Liz Taylor and Richard Burton would sit to drink.

Ludmila in Bora Bora with Jack

Ludmila in Bora Bora with Jack

   Some people went to discos or to another bar by the sea,  but we sat there just talking and holding hands. He said come with me hitchhiking through Central America down to  Venezuela!  We’ll see your brother in the jungle and then I will be on my way to the corrida de toros in Pamplona, since I promised my friends I would be there this year. Then we’ll see each other when I am back in L.A or  if you want to come  with me to Spain….. Boy o boy I was not aware how far into the alcohol I was? Of course anything seems possible any time under  Mr. Buzz..

It was not easy to say goodbye to my future  partner , of course not any  more business or anything else, as of the moment I told him I was going to Central America and to Venezuela to see my brother, he knew better by then, what was going on?  Lets call him Mr X . With him I had a  horrible situation; he almost did not want to give me back my passport, since he paid the hotel and flight and meals. I did not explain nada to him except that I was not coming back to L. A with him, that I am coming to Yelapa, so I left him there, with no remorse.

Cuernavaca whit friends and Tad

Cuernavaca whit friends and Tad

Tad and I went on our merry go round into the  next town by the beach on the other side of Puerto Vallarta, Yelapa, In those years  there were no roads or any way to go to this place, except by horse or mule or by boat. That was how the provisions arrived there, all the  food and water; as we approached the place we saw its indescribable beauty, so unique,  mountains going high and all over them green jungle surrounding like a coat, and cliffs dropping  to the sea.  There were no beaches except where we were arriebe in the boat, we walked up and up the little dirt road full of  palms trees and jungle shrubs,when we got out of the boat.  I remember that Octavio, my Chilean friend, had a wife living there with her new husband, she was there and invited us to her  gorgeous tall and spacious Palapa. There was an incredible  boutique of very fine things that the rich tourist   went crazy for!.   Tad met Ruth and she welcomed us, then offered us a drink — well, not any drink but one especially made for her by the indians in the mountain tops, real Mezcal that  was so smooth and delicious that I ask for refill of course, and a second and a third one. Tad he was O.K. with one drink but not me!

We found a cabana in the rocky area almost touching  the water so it was possible to get in the water carefully, we stayed there for three nights and it was fun. I drank all the time, he read all the time, and it seemed the romance was progressing because we did not argue or step on each other toes.  In the center of this mini pueblo there was an open bar and once in awhile they had movies. One particular night they had one, and what a surprise  I could not  believe here in God’s place they were playing “ Kaliman”   In this Mexican film  was my friend of the parties in Hollywood and Mexico City  Jeff Cooper!

Ludmila whit a German Von Boron in Cuernavaca

Ludmila whit a German Von Boron in Cuernavaca

Staying there I remembered Bora Bora with my ex husband  Jack, where we had a different time, cocaine and making love everywhere on the water, on the long solitary beaches and even in the golf cart! That was a little different from this intellectual romantic  trip with Tad, but…

From there we went on to Cuernavaca,  where I invited us to the house of Maria, my German friend. Her father was a well known archaeologist. She had a very romantic house, with beautiful landscaping, flowering gardens and trees everywhere, this was in  Tepoztlan  just few minutes outside of Cuernavaca…

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We walked hand in hand, we talked, and we heard some far away music very Mexican and Romantic. Of all the composers of course one I knew one very well- Agustin Lara! They were  playing “ Mujer Mujer Divina”  that he composed for all of the women he loved. But at that time Maria Felix was his great love, as I once was and like every women  he ever loved.

In Puerto Vallarta Ludmila after swimming.....

In Puerto Vallarta Ludmila after swimming…..

Then he got a bottle of good wine and we drank it sitting in the sand and watching the sunset. We did not speak much as we walked  to my hotel  and said good night in front of my hotel room door, with the most innocent but passionate kiss I ever had. I went straight to the table where a bottle of Scotch was sitting, and I poured myself a stiff drink or two, and then went to bed .

Next morning when I walked in our bathroom there on the floor were many papers and restaurant napkins folded. I sat on the john and started reading them  , with my heart throbbing and goose pimples all over my skin. this starts the process of being in love, how did they get here? I looked up behind me the wall up ahead and saw a little window  that was very high up, facing  the corridor and the interior of our bathroom, so, at read  that  he had  to see me again and again   please …

Ludmila coing to the river area whit local woman..

Ludmila coing to the river area whit local woman..

My friend was still in bad and very uncomfortable so I went downstairs to the desk  to ask for a massage or acupuncture or doctor. And there in the lobby he was sitting riding some magazine!  We said hello and I invited him to the fish dinner that evening; we already invited a full table but I asked the chef to make one more space.  The was still there ( I had a terrible night because of the pain of the poor John his back was killing him and had to wait until now to get someone to ask for a Dr. , this is Sunday not one works not even the emergency rooms they are open but there is no Doctors their,  I went upstairs saying too Tad Gail that I was too talk to him now see him later,  tonight, can’t talk now,  I must help my friend and business associate, he is not very well.  He stared in my eyes holding my hand and said, “I will be there– may be will talk  after dinner?”

Modeling for a cover of a magazine

Modeling for a cover of a magazine

Today I know very well that I always needed to be in love, always, and especially when pain, distress or any crisis comes along that I cannot cope with.  So  when I am  feeling that indescribable thing called love?  Anyone who was willing to give me attention and show of concern or care, I converted it in a love.  Today I begin now to understand that which at that time I was blind to Alcohol un auer that  was  an serious alcoholism on full bloom, , you will say, drugs you will say!,  I think I agree now that it was the pain in my subconscious, from my childhood and youth.  By drinking using  which appeared being love? I found the only emotion to cover pain was love or did I really ever love anyone?

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Octavio and I went to the mansion of Jaclyn Smith to apply for  jobs, me for the chef cook and Octavio as the Mayordomo. Of course I was not acknowledging her knowing me,  because now I was the makeup  artist, and I would have to explain everything and it was not the time nor the place.

Ludmila and her great husband Jack Millman ready for the Christmas party in  Walt Disney

Ludmila and her great husband Jack Millman ready for the Christmas party in Walt Disney

Now working as an makeup artist I had two meet people in the business.  I met the Clairol sub director, for whom I had a proposition about going to Mexico and trying to promote a new make up they just put out.

So we went to Puerto Vallarta where at that time I had some friends. The very next  day we were invited to the X-Mrs. Lavender it was fantastic, we met some very important people for business and enjoyed ourselves very much..Next day we went to look at the boat that he rented and decided to go fishing for the day  after  tomorrow .

After relaxing by the beach and having some Margarita ,  we went to our hotel on the center of P.V where the Burtons always stayed, before they bought (or I should say he bought) the famous house. That was very romantic, across from the river that empties in the ocean- the house was facing the river and from the balcony they could see the local women washing their laundry on  the rocks, that was their washing mashing beating the clothes over than,.  But in the meantime they stayed here in front of the old beautiful  Church with the crown on top and the dolphins statue across on the other side, on  the Malecon  where the breakers were splashing in the foundation of the cement wall.

We arrived at our room, he went two shave, and I went to the beauty salon to have a massage and bubble jacuzzi. The hairdresser did my hair, then I went up where he was already  dressed very elegantly in a tropical white jacket. I put on a aqua color long  gown, than  we were to stop  and pick up our host and his wife, then go to another opening of another artist at  another Gallery and pick up our other friends who also were invited– and  then finally go to  diner.

We arrive in a vintage car, I don’t remember the make, as  I never really gave any attention to anything like that, some old cars.  Well, this restaurant was in a place near the old town overlooking the waters of the Pacific. It was the most  exquisite restaurant, only known to the very rich, crystal chandeliers (real not fake), and mirrors for your individual table to see in, very discreet– you could not see really your neighbors except if your were invited to their table, but your could hear and see the water and white foam against the seawall

"This was  the party in Puerto Vallarta"

“This was the party in Puerto Vallarta”

On our table there was a basket of  arrangements on each of the 6 places not very large but fully open  Gardenias,  on the side of the table in an beautiful basket made look like real gold , with a red linen napkin wrapping an excellent vintage Dom Perignon. That I did not remember having before!  As we sat down the waiter opened the champagne  and after doing so, asked the host if it was okay, As he left, the host said, “Ladies, how  would you like to smell the camellias or gardenias?”  Then of course I realized why they were so white– they were full of cocaine, the whole center of the flower.

How could I forget this? It was the epitome of getting high,  after that event the meal  (which was something special) seemed of very little importance, because of this magnificent pure snow powder– if I breathed too hard it would blow away.!

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I have to clarified what was not clear in my last blog. La Negra Maldonado is a daughter of a large Hacendado of a coffee plantation in San Lucas Toliman, Lake of Atitlan. After the bike accident they took me there, to the only  Dr. available around this mountain area of the lake, without going to the other site of the lake,  where all the tourist area are. Jose meet some friends walking with La Negra, while I was with the local Dr. and they all agreed  that I will be better in  her Hacienda because I would be much more comfortable there, with servivent etc. which Jose did not have in his small cabana.

Grant and Ludmila going to the stables in Hollywood to horseback riding.

Grant and Ludmila going to the stables in Hollywood to horseback riding.

After my motorcycle accident, I could not walk, nor do modeling, but I could be a makeup consultant, with my large experience in cosmetics and makeup. I was very good  at it, so I landed a  fantastic job, on the  top floor of a gorgeous salon in one of the most famous stores in Beverly Hills.

And the another picture that was before,  that  did not make sense in my story,  was the one me laying on my living room floor with drinks,  plenty of them and pain pills,  with my left leg immobilized, watching Grant remodeling my little  horrible nightmare house that I purchased for a very good price.

I start feeling that familiar feeling that I was on my own, alone, no one to protect me like Jack used to do- I used to feel so secure with him!

I don’t really know how that made me feel because I was always medicated with alcohol,  so in a way I reverted to some degree, confronting myself and taking responsibility of myself. Now that life showed me this, I am back starting where I began at birth!

I remember it well!  This insane house purchase. Well, at the time it seemed like a good idea!

Jose and Ludmila sitting in the street of Guatemala

Jose and Ludmila sitting in the street of Guatemala

Before I  left  for Guatemala, I purchased this house without even seeing it, just so we would have a house when we came back. Well, now Mr. Grant Lesley was working on remodeling this horror, and he was handsome, but short, with blond hair, blue eyes and an outgoing personality. Just what the doctor ordered, jajajaja!  He was very charming, so he convinced me to remodel this little garbage house into a mini-jungle in the guest room, wall-to-wall paper with jungle animals, tigers, panthers and lions, orchids and palm trees in the living room (for real) so you could not see on from the street but I could see out.

In the main bedroom was a white wall-to-wall carpet, white walls, white silk bedding, a white  fox fur imitation  bad cover,  a night table with a red base, and white and red roses, and a large mirror reflecting the light of the window and plants from outside there was a mini garden  out their, plus  a white rocking chair.

Taking a ride whit Bud Harrod after modeling

Taking a ride whit Bud Harrod after modeling

Today, I realize that Grant was a really good friend:  he took my mind off  Jose, my injuries,  and the pain of mourning I was going through. (Thank you Grant–I hope your are reading this wherever you are. You were a fantastic decorator, carpenter, designer, everything !) The living room was Mexican with large wooden furniture made by him,  in front of the new design  red brick fireplace,( replacing the one I almost die by the night I arrived)  with a large red hardwood mantel,  the kitchen head a  table which stuck out of the counter of the dining area with a bar behind at an door to the small garden and garage and the other side to the living room and the hall away to the lef.

Well, I spent most of the money from the divorce settlement, but I had a showplace that I loved and that made me grow. It was the most romantic place, tiny but enchanting! The hallway to my room was  full of books on each side of the walls. I could had almost any fantastic book, some that I lugged with me from Venezuela.  (How strange now I rarely read anymore!)  from Thomas Mann to all the collected works of  Winston  Churchill,  philosophers all the way back to Socrates and Plato. (Socrates did not write, of course, he spoke and Plato wrote down his dialogues his ideas and philosophy)..

Smoking a tabaco pipe

Smoking a tabaco pipe

Grant and I become more than friends, lovers of course,  but with no attachments. We had a lot of fun remodeling this ugly duckling into our fantasy of beautiful fairy tale home.  I loved it and everyone who came to my home loved it too. I had some really good parties. Jack came by with his new girlfriend Joy who he married later on, Jeff Cooper, and many other famous people and of course movie stars…

Then when I got better I went back to work, with my favorite designer Bud Harrod, who at one time was my boyfriend– and the only man that ever put a diamond ring on my finger! it was over a one karat rock that had belonged to his father. Not for a proposal, because he was scared of marriage after his last experience.  But we worked well together, in harmony you could say, and we went in to New Years to Las Vegas and many other US cities for designer week– New York, San Francisco, Houston, Dallas. On one trip to San Francisco, I saw William again for the last time. He was back from Hawaii, and we had a farewell dinner at the Saint Francis hotel. We talked about his Cafe Imperial, the coffee I helped him sell door to door in L.A. It was a fantastic idea, but it did not sell at that time.

My set of friends had begun to change, and I was moving more into the business world instead of Hollywood showbiz. I was thinking about starting my own line of beauty products, facial creams, so  I contacted my ex-lover and dear friend Buck Rogers, who by then was living in Mexico City instead of Acapulco where I met him..  Then in LA I was introduced to a Clairol executive.

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Jose mention yesterday that if I like we go two see Guatemala everywhere, but we had two weight for my ring,  which we recovered  the next day. Jose went out  that evening , but I stayed home and  his old aunt that never been married, came to my room with a liquor bottle! Of course she said, “I  keep this for medicinal reasons”‘

I was so happy that I did not have to go out to hunt down some liquor store, let alone to get something to drink.  I couldn’t stand being without alcohol, especially being under so much stress. So I definitely wanted a drink or two… or more. Jajajajajaja!

" Back home in L.A. had to walk whit a cane for a long time."

” Back home in L.A. had to walk whit a cane for a long time.”

Next morning after breakfast, we were not talking at the table– no one cared to ask me anything. So I packed a few things and we took off on the big Kawasaki Ltd 1000 motorcycle that I bought for him. We went to the beautiful countryside en route to Lake Atitlan, stopping by the river and at the homes of some of  Jose’s friends. As we rode through the indescribable beauty of rural Guatemala, there were flowers everywhere, pine trees, rivers with little waterfalls and the smell of smoke from the wood fires in the valleys and hills. Then suddenly, we slid and tumbled over, and I found myself underneath this big motorcycle the motor were still running hot it was very hot..

Jose was screaming “Stay still, don’t move,” while trying to lift the bike, but of course he couldn’t and I couldn’t move at all! Finally some people came passing by in cars and one of them stopped to help him lift the big motorcycle off of me. It seemed to take forever, with me lying under the burning hot motor, the bike crushing down on my whole left leg.  I can’t remember much, but later they said they took us immediately to the nearby clinic in the village of San Lucas Toliman to see if any doctor was available.

Well the only thing I know was that I was in  so much pain, now  numbed not only by alcohol  and  with the the drugs to,  laying in bed in the house of La Negra Maldonado, her family hacienda with a coffee plantation. That  delicious smell  was my  companion as I was  healing….

Dancing whit William in Caracas to " It Was Fascination I know"

Dancing whit William in Caracas to ” It Was Fascination I know”

Jose was in the next room, laughing and smoking pot, and many other  people  were there, I barely could move, but slowly I was helped up to  the living room, where not one was interested in my problems. They were so high including Jose who was busy making eyes at La Negra,  and the gays were making passes at him. Wow what a group of weirdos! But there was one guy that looked half elegant with a little class ,and he had a big new van like a Jeep  and was proposing something.  I felt like I didn’t belong there with the gays and dropout drug users and la Negra  making passes at Jose– this was not exactly a happy situation for me!

Well as always , I  made the best of the worst.!   I  heard this one guy saying something about the beach and my ears perked up: The beach, yes!  I need to get out of this cold house in the mountains where we are. So when one of the boys said, Lets go to the beach!”  I was all for it. The pain was still bad, and although nothing was broken my whole leg was swollen up like a big  balloon. Some of the muscles were torn and muscle trauma had appeared, enough to make me scream with pain. So everybody was giving me pills and of course la Negra give me more stuff and aguardiente, wow wow weeeeee!

.We took off to the beach; all the way there I wanted to drink  more aguardiente until I reached oblivion. for me not two remember the countryside, which was totally different than the one we drove from,  it was hot, tropical, with a smell of iron from the sea,  the beach air was so inviting warm and nice! I don’t remember too much the scenery as we arrived ,  Jose with the three other guys went into this fantastic looking hotel which I supposed was to  get or see a room for us, and I just sit by a fishing boat and wait!!!!!

Next thing I knew,  I awoke with a cut on my forehead, inside the same boat , I remember sitting there, now I am inside of it, alone  with no one there.        Shortly Jose arrived and said something to his friends,  Look  she’s  hurt , blood in her forehead,  I thought to myself  that meant he left me alone and was with his male lovers in this luxurious hotel , which  I didn’t even seen inside, so I just wanted to go back to beautiful Atitlan.

 I did not speak to him the whole way back, until we arrived 2 or 3 hrs. later. Of course no one cared to even talk with or to  Jose, they all seemed tired. If he head?  had any dignity or concern for me?, he hid it from me, but probably not from himself.

I was in no shape to argue or judge anyone. I justed wanted to be free from the pain and to be able to walk again. so I went into the house with this mayan servants helping me carried me at this a graceful, lovely small hacienda-type pueblo ranch home of the Maldonado family, on the middle of San Lucas Toliman in Atitlan, were The Indian women their, and most of the interior of Guatemala still dressed traditionally, carried their babies on their backs, and did not dare look into anyone’s eyes. We couldn’t take pictures of them because they believed we’d steal their souls, and it we’ll be captured inside  the camera .

Arriving it this hacienda ranch I realize this was  her home then,  where she was waiting our coming back anxiously  she greeted me with  a present, just  for me,? some kind of coins and bets, (probably witchcraft– who knows?  They carried me on into the bed,  they were smokin weed all the time and she was  always high in pot or something else. She was obviously enchanted with Jose. He was tall, blond, slim and always very charming.

The servant handed me a cane,  so I could get to the bathroom or go to sit up for a moment,  which was almost impossible, I had to lie down almost all the time, even inside the cars, (which the only time  was in  our last trip to Lake Elizabeth that was the name of the beach we were at,  It was impossible to sit comfortably, being so painful I could scream, so I lay in bed almost all the time. The local doctor said not to walk for a couple of days.

In the meantime, Jose and his friends went to parties and picnics, and as it turned out, the romance between Jose and La Negra had already started.

Incredibly, in this part of the world, to hear that music on the radio!  “It was “Fascination I know”! My goodness, tears were rolling down my cheeks, with my eyes closed and even now remember dancing to that melody so many times with William, to that some music!  It was so vivid, one of our favorite songs. The last time I spoke to him was in Sausalito (near San Francisco) in the  “No Name Bar,” still where he said he loved me… but that was last time we spoke in person two person and kiss and love each other,  at that time  felt so long ago .  I guess it must have been ?   before he moved to Hawaii and become a rich, successful men,Ice cream and coffee merchant, o crepes two go on Sausalito.

So you see, the wind carries all our promises away,  on the lips of cocaine and alcohol.  Any promise seems real, whether to the one who lies or the one who wants to believe them. sure,  we would believe  everything, I did for many years 10 o so,  all promise “ el aire se las llevo” almost anything to get what or who we want, if it feels good and looks great at that moment, when we are high…

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In the period after I left Jack, my life was one big quest for love, drugs, and an imaginary happiness. The source of happiness seemed to be getting high, so I developed a more and more unquenchable thirst for drugs, alcohol and selfish pleasures. This quest took all the sanity out of my mind.

I was leaving  a husband who took care of me the best he knew how, brought me coffee in bed in the morning, put up with my  hangovers ( which were getting to be every day), and really did  everything for me.  I wanted animals? Well, okay, Jack would go to farms to pick up hay and other food for the animals out in the middle of the countryside, bring it back to Hollywood and all just to please me. We took trips together, or he let me go off by myself,  to Tahiti (that is a whole another story),  to Bora Bora , Moorea , Raiatea,Papaiety, Venezuela. He let me go to Mexico whenever I wanted, which I did frequently so I could escape into more drink and drugs and adventures, like Buck Rogers  where I did  had many friends of  and the x wife of Ron Lavender  who owned a very famous Gallery she introduced me to so many people among which an incredible lover hansom told black azabache hair, but this part of the my adventure goes on in another blog.

Ludmila going to the Polo field to ride the horse

Ludmila going to the Polo field to ride the horse

Jack now says that he didn’t realize how badly I was strung out on drugs, which shows how deceptive addiction can be. He thought I was just having fun, but I hid my worst behavior and made believe I was okay. Of course, at that time everybody I knew in Hollywood seemed to be strung out on something. I thought it was okay flirting and even going to bed with other man, because that is what I learn from my first beloved man. My fantasy of selfish, make-believe happiness was really just to camouflage my own inner pain and the sickness of addiction.

There were parties at Sammy Davis Jr.s place in Beverly Hills, with lots of cars parked in front of his house. Sammy loved collecting expensive new cars, like many nouveau riche people. He was born Catholic but converted to Judaism, probably for the convenience that  it offered in Hollywood on those years,  and the movie business. You got more work if you were friends with the Jewish directors, investors and agents, We’ll I must say in another think they make great husbands , I was mary to 2 of them Tom and Jack and let not forget my first, the real love Williams also Jews Who was not so good, promising the ski and gave me nothing,  only took from my youth the innocence , but made me dream of better tomorrow.

Daniel Rio Lobos and me and others in a crazy party in Venezuela in Alejandro's Penthouse

Daniel Rio Lobos, Ludmila and others in a crazy party in Venezuela in Alejandro’s Penthouse

I don’t know what he really believed.  I had a photograph of him swearing an oath to Satan, some Cult of 666 that was popular, especially for the sex. I have one photo of me , taken for a magazine, posing at a dark castle on the Hollywood Hills. I went there and saw caskets in the rooms, weird things; as I was leaving the photo shoot, people were arriving dressed in strange black costumes, so that gives you an idea what was going on. But he was a great singer and dancer, one of the best in that period, or maybe the best ever, but the parties were wild and full of drugs and liquor. I personally only can say about him that he was a gracious host and very lively, nice person to me and Jose, so let God be the Judge. I liked him very much as an performer.

There were so many parties and stories, so I wi’ll keep writing but not all of them here in my  blog,  you wi’ll have to read my book. ..

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After we moved out of the hotel, after a week or ten days, Jose moved with us also, into the Condo that the insurance company put us into. Soon things took a very wild turn! There were pool tables, a big swimming pool, plenty of room and course lots of time to drink and take drugs. Whenever Jack went to work, Jose and I started playing around and going nuts. I thought we were just having lots of fun, but most of the time I was numb and unconscious of what was really happening.

One evening Daud invited me out to have a talk, and as we were seated at a table, not far away I noticed that at the bar there was this big fantastic looking man. It was Johnny Weissmuller– Tarzan, king of the Jungle! I remembered my niece Vera had asked me if I’d ever seen him in person; I thought “she doesn’t believe that’s his screaming voice in the jungle, when he swings in those trees!” So I told Daud who patiently let me get away with all my whims, that I’d be right back; I did explain to him that I was going up to the big star at the bar. Daud just smiled and said “Good luck!”

JW - Tarzan

JW – Tarzan

I walked up to the bar and got his attention immediately; he was holding a drink, but he stood up and kissed my hand. I proceeded to make my request, a favor for my niece. Could he do “that scream that he does in all his movies over the phone to my only niece Vera, who loves you just as much as I do”?

 Of course I had  memories of those Tarzan films from my childhood in Porlamar in Isla Margarita, in that swing,  where I spent long hours dreaming of meeting all these stars some day. That was far away, but not really so long ago, except it seems like another lifetime, when I could only dream about these people, never mind being kissed and standing next to one of them.

 Well, he said okay and the bartender handed me a phone after I dialed my niece’s number. I talked to her but she did not believe what was about to happen; he was standing next to me, bellowing as loud as he did  in the movies, several times that jungle scream that made Tarzan so famous. After that we had another kiss and thank you and you’re welcome, which is what famous people in Hollywood say to each other.  All that phony staff most of the time, but sometimes it is real ! I believe all that, in my childish brain, despite the abuse of all the good things and bad things  which made my life a fantasy, in cinemascope, 3-D and Technicolor, I was walking on air I was not even on this planet.

Jeff Cooper, Kaliman  is in the back of this first man whit the whit  hood,  ( he was like superman to the mexicans) a hero from cartons..

Jeff Cooper, Kaliman is in the back of this first man whit the whit hood, ( he was like superman to the mexicans) a hero from cartons..

Things seemed so unreal, I was going through an unreal time myself, and it seemed everything was a bad dream, just a fantasy what was happening. This too shall pass, the fire, Jose, Jack and I not communicating, Jack was so good of a husband, it was only because of the drugs and the craziness that I would ever think of leaving him– but as you will see, I did. And after that everything seemed to stop,  there was no more care about remodeling the house or Jack or anybody: I just walked away with Jose, it actually happened. I’ll say the drugs destroyed my mind, nothing mattered any more except Jose, drugs and alcohol. It all became “who cares?” ,The only thing I kept were pictures and Icons and God was not too far from my mind and soul, that was the only thing I had with me.

I was trying lots of different drugs, but everything mixed with alcohol, and then my friend Jim had some PCP or something like that, even worse than quaaludes, my preferred drug-alcohol mix. After a while the desire and dream and the excitement of remodeling my home vanished gone, no dream to create a new house. Jack worked hard at all this but soon it evaporated into fumes, the excitement died and another excitement took over drugs alcohol and doing nada , living together with Jose meeting his friends and feeling too old for him (he was in his early 20s and I was in my 30s, the two of us alone).

I was leaving Jack at that last beautiful Condo, to this day I don’t know why I did this stupid thing, I will never know? We moved into a quiet apartment and lived a stupid life. I started a mail order business , but Jose convinced me to buy some cocaine instead, so we’d make some money. Well, not a penny did we make! I didn’t go out selling drugs, I was not exactly a pusher and could not give a damn about selling dope, but I used it and he used it, then he OD’s  I spent 3 days praying for his life at  LA.General Hospital, seeing him helpless laying there in com, did not teach me a lessons where all his was coming to a bad end.

Jose came out of the hospital and got a job as a gofer and chauffeur for Sammy Davis Jr, but by then I was going to parties at the house of Jeff Cooper (in Mexico he was known as Kaliman, he did those cartoons so very famous in Mexico and most of the Latin countries). Of course there were more men than women at the parties, which would  go on for days….

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